Claude the Jerk
by Question the Majority
Summary: The sequel to 'Ashton's Not Gay', written by request. This time, poor Claude is the object of ridicule. [Rated PG for Bowman.]
1. Those Evil, Evil Fanfics... (the second ...

Good day, my moonshine-guzzling, mechanical mogwai! This story is dedicated to koolkitty as the concept and basic plot for this story came from her brilliant mind. On another note, I don't own these characters. Neither does koolkitty. They own themselves, actually. And they all live in an apartment together and throw wild parties. In fact, I'm going to one of their big block parties tonight, but you're not invited. HAH! -- Matt  
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**Claude the Jerk**  
by Matt Garner

(based on the obscure Latin comic series: **_"Si, Me No Los Escucha Popourri!"_**, which may or may not have been written by koolkitty)

"C'mon, Claude! You gotta' see this! It's SO cool!"

It had been quite the harrowing week for our heroes, especially one Claude Kenni. After having battled and reasoned their way through the wickedly treacherous Four Fields of Energy Nede, the saviors of the Universe had gone on to challenge their adversaries, the so-called "God's Ten Wise Men," only to have their keisters handed right on back to 'em! Aside from the pain of defeat and disappointment of having to retreat and gain more experience, Claude also had to deal with the heart-breaking experience of watching helplessly as his enemies effortlessly annihilated his father. At the moment, Claude's good friend Ashton was doing his best to lighten the spirits of the despondent young Warrior of Light.

"Ashton... I don't know..." groaned Claude as Ashton gently-yet-forcefully dragged him via the arms into a large library that may or may not have appeared once ago in another "Star Ocean: The Second Story" fanfic...

"But you like to read..." Ashton urged, "And I think it would cheer you up to read some stories written by some fans!" Chuckling conspiratorially, he added "Maybe you'll even see some stuff written by some female admirers, huh?"

Claude sighed. He rarely won arguments with his possessed companion, especially when he, himself, was depressed. As the older man shoved him into one of the library's desk chairs, the blonde-headed boy asked "So what's the website address anyway?"

" Ashton responded as he typed rapidly on the keyboard. Ururun then used the mouse to locate the "Star Ocean" section of the site. Claude shivered slightly. No matter how long he could know Ashton, Claude would probably never get used to seeing his dragons doing such things. It was just really... unsettling. He fought the urge to wonder what Precis thought about the dragons when she and the unlucky adventurer were kissing or something. She probably didn't even think about it, actually. The hyperactive redhead usually seemed to overlook that kind of thing, or just accept it as normal. Geeze, what a rabbit-trail. Now where was I? Oh yes...

Perusing through the list of stories, Claude raised an eyebrow and stated in a slightly-hurt tone that "A lot of these people don't seem to like me very much..."

"Really?" Ashton blinked. "I guess I never really noticed... heh... I was too busy enjoying the stories about myself!"

Claude rolled his misty blue eyes, half-irritated and half-amused at his friend. "Yeah," he continued, scanning some more stories, "I mean there's some story here called 'Claude's A Jerk,' and apparently there's some story about me getting Rena pregnant and then running off on her! I mean come on! I'd _never_ do something like that!"

"Er um..." muttered Ashton, trying to think of something to say to take Claude's mind off of the insulting stories, "Well, hey, I mean there's a lot of people who wrote stories about me being gay and you don't see me whining about it!" It probably wasn't the best thing to bring up, considering Claude knew all-too-well that Ashton had raised quite a stink over having read those stories.

"No offense, Ash," Claude replied in a more-than-aggravated tone of voice, "But right now I'm more concerned with myself!"

"Pfft, aren't you always?" Ashton grunted under Gyoro's cranky influence, rolling his bright emerald eyes.

Claude's soft blonde hair ruffled as he whirled around to gawk wide-eyed at his friend. A shocked, offended gleam was obvious in his keen blue eyes. "What do you mean by that?" he stammered.

"Wha--?" Ashton blurted, shaking his head as Gyoro once again allowed Ashton the use of his own mind. "Oh... geeze, I'm sorry, Claude! I didn't mean it! Gyoro said it, not me!"

"Yeah I'll just bet he did..." muttered Claude.

Ashton bit his lip and tapped his gloved fingers together uneasily as his best buddy stormed out of the library. Gyoro snickered nastily and immediately received a piercing look from Ururun.

_Geeze, I can't believe everyone thinks I'm such a jerk,_ pondered Claude as he wandered somewhat aimlessly downtown. _I've always done my best to be helpful to everyone! I always try to do what's right! What in the world did I do to upset everyone?_

In the midst of his self-examination, Claude made the FATAL mistake of bumping into... BUM-BUM-BUMMMMMM (dramatic reverrrrb)... BOWMAN JEAN!

"Hey Claude!" grinned everyone's favorite pervert, "You wanna' go girl-watching while making-" a patronizing elbow in the ribs "-careless sexist remarks about the women we're shamefully ogling?" Bowman was answered with a deep-throated growl and a nasty glare from Claude, who couldn't stand being around the foul-minded pharmacist on a GOOD day, and who flat-out LOATHED Bowman on a bad day like today.

"I'd rather not..." Claude objected, wrenching away from Bowman. Meanwhile, a certain author just realized the irony in the fact that he writes all these stories SPOOFING character-bashing, yet constantly berates Bowman! Huh, go figure. Oh well, just about everyone hates that pervert anyway, so that makes it okay. Anyway...

"Oh!" Bowman snapped, placing his fists on his hips and puffing out his chest in a really stupid-looking indignant pose. "I see how it is! Goody-goody Earth-boy's too good to be seen hanging around with some small-town pharmacist!"

Trying to keep from sounding too haughty, Claude muttered "That's not it. It's just..." But Bowman wasn't in the mood to listen. ('Course, he never really was anyway. I mean that's why his marriage had so many problems! Remember, kids! A good marriage requires patience and understanding on both spouses' accounts! There's your lesson for the day. Back to the story.)

"No, no, that's just fine!" the pharmacist whined. Marching off defiantly, he added "I'll just find someone ELSE to disrespect women with!"

Ashton Anchors left the library just in time to see Claude walking away dejectedly. He stomped his foot heavily and swore under his breath. _Wonderful. Just great! Way to go, Ashton! Try to cheer up the poor kid, then make him feel even worse!_

So engaged in his own self-deprecation was our neurotic hero that he didn't notice the evil mockery of humanity that crept up behind him... until it was TOO LATE!

Slapping his hand on Ashton's left shoulder (startling both Ashton AND Ururun), Bowman barked out "HEY, ASH! Wanna' go girl-watchin'?"

The reply to Bowman's question was a low, inhuman growl from the swordsman's three heads, and a lightning-quick punch in the face.

Ashton stomped away angrily as Bowman twitched painfully on the ground. Ashton was usually the pacifist of the group, but he always made an exception for Bowman.


	2. In the Heat of Battle

The lights dimmed rapidly as the twelve mismatched heroes stepped out into the battle arena. Taking a deep breath, Claude closed his eyes and gripped the hilt of his sword tightly. For now, he'd have to clear his mind of the waves of self-doubt that had been tormenting him ever since Ashton had convinced him to read those stupid fanfics. _Hmm... He probably had some kind of ULTERIOR MOTIVE to it all! I'll have to keep an eye on him!_ Fortunately for Claude, the steady sound of Rena's breathing beside him helped to calm his nerves.

Suddenly, the room filled with light once more as three of the Wise Men: Ruprecht, Jibril, and Nicolus materialized before our protagonists.

Dias leaped into battle first, hacking wildly at Ruprecht. Just before being sliced in half, however, Ruprecht vanished and reappeared behind the morose fighter. Dias was then thrown across the room by a powerful magic spell, only to be caught by Jibril... who was quickly pounced on and savagely beaten by Chisato Madison.

Thankful to be freed of his enemy's grip, Dias nodded in Chisato's direction, then leaped back toward Ruprecht. Nicolus zipped silently behind Dias, ready to attack, but was soon cornered by Ernest, Opera, and Bowman.

Pretty soon, the battle had reached full-swing with everyone fighting with all the power they could gather within themselves. The heroes had ganged up on Nicolus for the time being, having realized that he seemed to be the weakest of their opponents... and the most annoying. Rena was currently standing on the sidelines, chanting a spell that would simultaneously deal a devastating blow to the frail Wise Man and yet leave her friends totally unharmed (Ain't RPG physics a kick?); when Ruprecht and Jibril made their move and attacked the unguarded young mage.

Hearing Rena's pained cry for help, Claude discontinued his vicious onslaught on Nicolus' candy arse and flew to Rena's aid. A thin, gleaming smile appeared under Jibril's dark hood as Claude sliced at Ruprecht; and the cloaked Wise Man fled to assist his own comrade. Nicolus and Jibril then turned the tables on our heroes, attacking them with one magic spell after another. Meanwhile, Claude was still busy utterly murdalizing Ruprect for even considering to harm Rena.

"Big brother!" shouted Leon, "Help!"

Claude and Rena continued to attack Ruprect.

"Yo Claude!" called Precis, "We could, like, use some help, you know?"

Claude kept a-layin' the smack-down on the big R. Rena's pointed ears perked up at the sound of Precis' high (almost irritatingly so) voice, and she quickly began chanting another spell to ward off her friend's attackers.

"CLAUDE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, HELP!" Noel screamed.

Claude shouted loudly and tore Ruprect to ribbons with Mirror Slice.

Rena's Star Flare spell managed to do away with Jibril and Nicolus and, once more, the light (and the eerie surroundings of the Tower of Fienal) faded away. The light returned soon after, and with it came the familiar sight of the Fun City holographic battle arena. Claude walked to Rena's side, breathing heavily.

"Is everyone... (gasp) ...okay?" he coughed, trying to regain his breath from the difficult training session.

The other ten members of the team, all huddled into a pile of broken and agonized bodies, shot their leader an irritated glare from under their eyelids.

"Oh, we're all just peachy-keen, darling..." cooed Celine, "NO THANKS TO YOU, OF COURSE!"

"I can't feel my legs..." groaned Ernest.

"I think my arm is broken..." Ashton complained.

"Hey, great job protecting your friends, idiot!" snarled Dias.

Claude blinked at his companions, then narrowed his eyes angrily. "Oh! So that's how it's gonna' be, huh?" he shouted, "Let's all put down the loser from Earth! You know, if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't even BE on this quest!"

Everyone moaned loudly.

"Don't remind us," Chisato groaned.

A shudder of anger shook Claude's tense frame. Rena looked at her friend and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Claude grumbled and pushed Rena's hand away. "Fine!" he spat out, "Just... just... FINE!"

All watched in awkward silence as the disgruntled young man stormed away. So what if it wasn't a very clever comment? Claude was mad and he didn't have to come up with anything brilliant just now.

"Gee..." Precis squeaked sheepishly, "I sure hope Claude didn't take our anger-driven attempts to crush his self-esteem _too_ seriously!"

Rena stared sadly in the direction Claude had left in and sighed heavily.

"Claude…"


	3. Fear and Loathing In Central City

A few days later, our heroes were staying in Central City. Claude was sitting by himself in the park area outside the Brandywine inn. Tightly clenched in his hands were a pencil and notebook, and the now paranoid hero was staring wildly at all of his friends as they passed by.  
  
"Say, Noel..." Leon said quietly as he and the Nedian zoologist walked past, scrutinized by their team leader, "Have you noticed that big brother Claude has been acting a bit on the strange side as of late?" Noel nodded and answered in an equally hushed tone. Not necessarily because he was trying to keep Claude from hearing, but because he always sounded that quiet and peaceful (probably one of the reasons why Celine and Chisato both found him to be so sexy).  
  
"Yeah..." he droned, "I think the stress of our adventure's starting to get to him..."  
  
"I sure hope he doesn't go crazy or anything..." Leon mumbled.  
  
"Me too..."  
  
Meanwhile, Claude glared maniacally at the two scientists with mirrored names. "So..." he breathed as his left eye twitched involuntarily, "Conspiring against the Warrior of Light... before his VERY EYES, eh? I always KNEW you two were against me! Well, it's The List for you two!"   
  
Quick as a flash, Claude slapped his notebook down on the picnic table and wrote Leon's and Noel's names down under a long list of various names. As he finished writing "Noel Chandler," Claude drew a sharp breath and gaped at the tip of his pencil lead.  
  
"I sharpened this pencil yesterday... Someone is... DULLING MY PENCILS!!! But WHO???"  
  
Looking around madly for any possible culprit, Claude espied Chisato Madison speaking with Rena and... BUM-BUM-BUMMM... LAUGHING!!!  
  
"Of course..." the batty blonde hissed through clenched teeth, "It WOULD be her... She works with pencils all day, she'd know JUST what to do!  
  
"AND WHAT A POKER-FACE SHE HAS!" he commented in awe, noticing that Chisato showed no signs of guilt for having accusedly destroyed Claude's writing utensil. "Well done, Chisato my DEAR! You are my enemy, yet you have earned my respect! My hat is off to you!"  
  
And with that, he wrote Chisato's name down, AND Rena's just because the cute blue-haired girl was apparently laughing at the horrible prank that had just been played on him. Suddenly, Claude gasped and stared at his notebook.  
  
"They're all against me!" he concluded. His blue eyes, now sparkling with pure insanity, scanned their surroundings, seeing enemies at every turn. "Every last one of them! Well they won't get the upper hand! NO! NOT TODAY!!!" 


	4. Hey, I found an old potato chip on the f...

Rena had not managed to sleep very well on this particular evening. Be it the hot weather, the noise of the constantly-busy Central City, or the unsettling feelings of worry in the back of her mind, it was just impossible for the young mage to fall asleep.

Deciding to get up and take a relaxing walk around town, Rena climbed out of her hotel bed and crept quietly toward the door, doing her best to keep from awakening her slumbering companions. As she passed Claude's bed, however, she noticed two things.

1) Claude's bed was empty.  
Eh, he was probably taking a walk too. He did that a lot when he couldn't sleep.

2) On his pillow, there was a note.  
Well, okay, this was new. He never deemed it necessary to leave a note behind when he was going out for a stroll.

With the worrisome doubts in the back of her mind growing stronger, Rena grabbed the note and read:

"To my 'Dearest Friends,'

Don't think you can fool me any longer! I know what you all think of me! I know that you all see me as an overbearing jerk and that you're all plotting my downfall! Well, you can all just rot, you back-stabbing jackals! After tonight, you won't have Claude C. Kenni to kick around anymore! My only regret is that I never told Rena that I loved her. That's right, Rena! I LOVE YOU! I love you with everything that I am! ... not that you care. You're the worst of them all... pretending to be my friend and then stabbing me in the back... Yet I can never hate you... Perhaps we shall meet again on better terms when we see each other again in Heaven. But for now...

Goodbye forever,  
Claude"

_Hmm..._ Rena mused, _a suicide note..._

Long pause.

_SUICIDE NOTE?_

Leaving only a Rena-shaped dust cloud, the 17-year-old girl dashed out of the room as fast as her legs could carry her. Just as she exited through the front door of the Brandywine, she caught sight of Claude shivering violently in the picnic area, about to ingest... BITTER JUICE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

"Oh not again," she groaned, remembering a similar incident with an otherwise harmless Failure Item.

"CLAUDE, NO!" she shrieked, slapping the boy's hand and sending the cup of bitter juice hurtling toward a bush. Completely soaked in juice, the bush promptly burst into flames and screamed "WHYYYYYYY? OH DEAR HEAVENS, WHYYYYYYY?"

"Oh thanks a LOT, Rena!" huffed Claude, "Crush my spirits AND stop me from killing myself! I hope you're happy!"

"What on EARTH were you DOING?" Rena demanded, grabbing Claude's hands tightly and staring intently at him with an ice-cold glow in her deep violet eyes. Before giving him a chance to answer, she shook him weakly, asking "What's gotten into you, anyway?"

"Everyone hates me..." Claude choked, holding back stinging hot tears of depression, "Even the people who I thought were my closest friends: Ashton, Leon, Precis... you..."

"I don't hate you, Claude," Rena sighed as she recalled once more a similar incident. "I never have and never will..." Claude started to say something, but Rena butted in. "And neither does anyone else in the group! Not even Dias, though I'd understand if you thought he did. We all like you, Claude. You're a great guy! You always stand up for us and you're nice and helpful and..." Her voice trailed off as she whispered something inaudibly.

"P-pardon?" Claude murmured.

"I love you, Claude," Rena whispered, but loud enough to be heard this time. "I've loved you ever since the day we met, when you rescued me from that monster and..." she giggled quietly, "you were so shy and modest about it when we tried to thank you. I've always loved your honest innocence and strong convictions... You're sweet and nice and..." Now, she clung tightly to him, beating her fist weakly against his chest. "Don't you ever, EVER scare me like that again, Claude Kenni!"

"I'm... I'm sorry, Rena..." Claude stammered, swallowing a thick lump in his throat. Doggone it, why did that always happen to him when Rena hugged him? At a loss for words, Claude wrapped his arms tightly around Rena and held her close in a hug. The two teens sighed quietly, unaware that a pair of dark eyes watched them from a window overhead.

"Awww, come on..." whined Bowman, "Do something interesting!"

A cacophony of groaning emanated around the room.

"Bowman..." came Ernest's sleepy, slurred voice, "What are you doing?

"... nothing..."

"You'd better not be watching couples making out again..." Opera yawned.

"Opera! I'm shocked! How could you accuse me of watching Claude and Rena cuddling?"

More groans from everyone in the room. Bowman turned back around to stare out of the window.

"... come on... take off your clothes or something..."

"OH, THAT'S IT!" shouted Noel. Then he and everyone else in the room jumped Bowman and thoroughly thrashed him. In another dimension, an eccentric fanfic writer smiled wryly and made a note never to write a story defending Bowman. It's just too much fun bashing him.

**AN END!**

G'NIGHT, EVERYBODY!


End file.
